Sunday, August 2, 2009

My heart aches

Today has been an up and down day. Funny... my husband woke me up and told me it won't be a good day for me. He said that he couldn't bring me a lemonade home from work (he brings me one every day) because the cooler was broken. No biggy! (Although I did miss my lemonade!) Then he said there were no mini-jokes in the paper. He reads me the mini-jokes in the paper every single Sunday morning, but today they weren't in there. :( Oh well. But there was a really nice thunderstorm this morning. The kind that you want to curl up in the blankets and listen to the rain and light thunder. It was wonderful.

But I've been emotionally taxed today. I keep thinking about what it will be like to be a mother. I want to play with my child so badly. To cuddle with my child, watch movies with my child, read books to my child. I want to be embarrassed that my child is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. I want to change dirty diapers, wet sheets, muddy clothing. We have names picked out for a boy and a girl and I think about those names all of the time. I love them because they are my children's names, but I just don't know the children who belong to them yet. (If you are wondering, we are telling names until the baby is born.) It is so hard to sit here every day and wonder IF I will ever have a child. No. Scratch that. IF I will ever carry my own child or if my child will come through adoption. It is hard to hear people talk about their pregnancies and complain about morning sickness. I would give anything to have morning sickness, because that means that I have a baby inside. I am thrilled for those who are pregnant and wanted to become a parent. I am not upset about their being pregnant. I am upset about my not being pregnant.

I am just emotional today. It is the medication side effects, and natural feelings of wanting to become a mother and for my husband to become a father. Thank you for reading this downer of a post, but this is partly what this blog is for... to help me get off my chest what I am feeling so I can remain positive in real life. And to also let those know JUST A BIT of what it feels like to be someone dealing with infertility because it is somthing not very well understood. Those who have never gone through it will never understand how those going through it feel, even though they may feel sympathy towards the couples going through it.

I am so appreciative for the support I receive. My husband is amazing. There is an online board I talk on that is made up of a FANTASTIC group of very strong women who are going through the same thing, although in different stages. I have some family members and close friends who have also gone through it and they have been very supportive as well. And I have friends that may not know how I feel but are offering their support and prayers, which I really appreciate as well. It is important to me. I tend to be an emotional person and I tend to be very passionate about how I feel about things, which is another reason why I wanted to start talking about infertility in this blog. It is something I feel strongly about that isn't very well known and is hush hush and through this blog I hope to educated just one person about infertility. If that happens, my mission is complete (although I still won't stop blogging, haha).


Brittany said...

Oh Abbie! This made me cry! My heart truly goes out to you and Jeff. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I don't know what it feels like to go through what you're going through but just know I'm always here for you. You WILL get your baby whether it's through pregnancy or adoption. Until then, you can always practice with my girls. :) We'll come see you ANYTIME!!! I know it's not the same as your own but every time I'm feeling down they always know how to make me feel better with their little hugs, kisses, and smiles so I know they could do the same for you. If there is anything at all I can do PLEASE let me know! I love you!!

Katie J. said...

Some days are harder than others, and even though I don't know exactly what you're going through, I can relate in some ways. Just remember that God never gives us more than we can handle, and everything will happen in His timing. The waiting is always the hardest, because it's human nature to want things to happen in our time, as opposed to God's. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. ;-)

J said...

Hey Abbie, your posts are always so thoughtful. Wish I could write like you! Oh well. I nominated you for an award! Check out my latest post.