Friday, August 28, 2009


I absolutely love to golf. It is my distraction from my problems. My husband and I go together and we love it. We went a few weeks ago and I shot a crappy game so I was nervous when we went again this week and ended up having one of the best games I have ever had. While we were out on the course he opened a bag of balls to get me a new ball out (one of my not-so-good shots right into a water-hazard) and found an envelope in the bag. I had gotten the balls from my parents for Christmas a few years ago, along with golf lessons. Well I had forgotten I also got this envelope. It was a gift certificate for a golf course I love to go to! 3 years later and a phone call later I find I am still able to use it! So we went out again the next afternoon. It was wonderful! It is so peaceful out on the course. And what you think about is how the course will play. You forget everyday life. You forget problems. You forget issues you are dealing with. You just think about your game, how you can improve, what would be the best way to take your next shot without going out of bounds. It is wonderful. By far my favorite distraction. I wish we had more money and time to golf more frequently.

I also love to scrapbook, kayak, and travel, but they don't distract as well as golf does. Kayaking and traveling actually make me think more, rather than less. Scrapbooking I can only do for a bit at a time (I have a short attention span). I love to do these things though.

I start school next week. I will be with 4th grade for the fall. If you don't know or need a refresher, I am finishing my post-bacc certification in Elementary Ed. I already have my undergrad degree, but in something other than El. Ed. It is a long story that I may share at some point. I am also working on my Master's in El. Ed., but I will be done with my cert in the fall and able to teach as of December. I will use this semester as a distraction as well, and I hope it will be a great one! I love to teach and spend time with kids. I can not wait to actually get PAID to do it, haha.

So, what are your distractions?

Monday, August 24, 2009


Today is a bittersweet day.

Today Jeff and I celebrate 8 years of being together. 8 years ago today we went on our first date. It was to the movies to see "The Others". We were both just entering our senior year of high school. At the end of the date he asked if he could give me a hug. How adorable is that? Want to know what we looked like then? Check out this picture:This was actually about 9 months after we started dating, but it was still right around that time. Inevitably, you are looking at his hair... we used to joke around that he looked like carrot top. I loved it though. He had the body of a soccer player and the hair to match. :) And what I wouldn't kill to have the body that I had back then back. I'm working on it...

We really don't celebrate the day anymore. We mention it, but because we are married we celebrate our wedding anniversary now, which is less than a month later.

But today is bittersweet. One year ago today I found out that the positive pregnancy test I got a few days earlier was the result of a chemical pregnancy. I had just bought something to tell Jeff that he was going to be a daddy... and I was going to tell him that day. How perfect? To tell him on the day we were celebrating 7 years of being together. It wasn't to be though. I didn't even get to tell him. He never got to feel the excitement. I only pray that we will be able to be excited together someday soon. It is hard to think that if it would have worked out, I would be a mother by now. But instead I am looking to more infertility treatments. To saving as much money as possible to be able to afford these treatments. They say the physical pain is easier to get over than the emotional pain of a miscarriage, and that is very true. For me, other than some painful cramps, the physical pain wasn't too much more than a normal period (sorry for the TMI). But the emotional pain still hurts to this day. I know that what I've been through isn't nearly as much as many other people, but it still does hurt.

"An angel in the book of life,
wrote down my baby's birth,
then whispered as she closed the book,
'Too beautiful for earth.'"

So today is bittersweet. We are thrilled to be celebrating 8 years together, closer and more in love every single day, and we are having a hard time knowing that we still don't have a child and mourning the loss of the chance we were given.

I found this poem I wanted to share. It is more for the loss of a child, but I think it goes with infertility as well, so here it goes:

Don't Tell Me That You Understand

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve, don't tell me when to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you and your love...Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, "My friend, I care."

~Author Unknown~

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Resting Peacefully

Sweet Annaleigh, the baby I posted about yesterday, went to Heaven today. Please pray for her mom, dad, and her brother and sister as they grow stronger. Infertility sucks, but when you beat it and then lose a child it makes everything even harder and I can't even imagine how they feel. This is a woman who is so strong. She beat infertility with her triplets and not long after had to send one home to Heaven. Please pray for this family.

I lit a candle for them last night. My prayers are with them.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Prayers needed

This family and their sweet baby, Annaleigh, could really use your prayers right now. It is a fellow IFer, who was blessed with triplets, but delivered them very early. The babies were all doing very well but one of the babies suddenly was sick with a bacteria that eats away at the bowels. They went in to do surgery and from what I heard on the board that I go on, the baby will not make it. Her bowels are dead. Please pray for the mom, dad, the sweet baby, and the other two working on growing strong. My heart is broken for them right now. IF is already so unfair, but to lose a child on top of it, after you were successful and beat IF, is extra heartbreaking.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

You have got to be kidding me...

**EDIT** Someone found that apparently the woman pregnant with 12 babies was a hoax. Read about it here.

There is a woman in Tunisia pregnant with 12 babies. TWELVE BABIES!!! Here is the article. And here is my response:

This is so so so selfish. I can not believe that a doctor would allow this, but I don't know the regulations in Tunisia. She is endangering her life and the life of those babies. It isn't confirmed whether she went through IVF or ovulation induction. Ovulation induction is what I was going through with Clomid. Trying to get the ovaries to produce eggs so that you can get pregnant. There is a possibility for high order multiples, but if you are being monitored it is not likely to happen, and it is rare for it to even happen on Clomid, but still possible. All of the high order multiples you have heard about in the news have been concieved through IVF, I believe. Octomom had more eggs than what was recommended transferred into her, which was why she had 8 babies. I believe she had 6 fertilized eggs transferred and two split. The norm is 2 eggs, sometimes 3 depending on the history of the woman with fertility treatments. It is rare for pregnancies to be higher than twins with IVF, but it is possible because every egg transferred, if it lives, has the possibility to split.

Now... I'm not going to go on about why it is important to be monitored and be with a doctor with high ethical standards because I want you to read about that here. Instead I am going to talk about what this does to insurance and the public's view of fertility treatments. If the public continues to think that they will be supporting women who have high order multiples, and if they think that every IVF treatment results in multiples more than twins or triplets, then they are less likely to go along with having their company's insurance cover fertility treatments, leaving couples without fertility insurance when needing fertility treatments. Infertility is more common than what is actually known because not many people talk about it, but as long as people think that fertility treatments result in high order multiples more often, there is less of a chance for politicians to mandate insurance cover fertility treatments. The bottom line is money and if people think that they are going to have to support these children, they won't support bills to cover fertility treatments.

But think about it... if you aren't going through fertility treatments yourself, chances are you know someone who is. You just may not know they are doing them.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

West Virginia

So I am a little late on updating on our trip... oh well, haha. Our trip was really fantastic. It was so relaxing. It was wonderful to spend time just the two of us. We forgot about everything at home, work, school, infertility, and just concentrated on each other for 4 days. It was really nice. The campground is nestled below a mountain, with the camper looking straight out at that mountain through the huge picture window. It was so beautiful. There was a small river that ran on the edge of the campground where we spent time wading and skipping rocks (I learned how!). We played lots of games, cooked on the grill, watched a few movies, cooked mashmallows over the fire to make s'mores, made banana boats, played horseshoes and took walks (well that wasn't our choice. The camper isn't hooked up to water or sewer so we had to use the bath house... which was pretty far from the camper. There was a golf cart but his mom forgot the key). His parents came down with us for the first night and then they left Saturday evening and the place was ours until Tuesday when we, begrudgingly loaded the car and drove home. We miss it already and may go back in the fall when the leaves are changing. It was just what we needed though.

Now we are back to the grindstone. I will be calling my dr on Monday and getting an appointment with the IF specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist... RE for short). The way my dr's office works is they test and then try "easy" (as in Clomid) IF treatments for 3 months. After 3 months you are then referred to the RE. Well, I've used up my 3 months. I will also ask to not go back on Clomid. The side effects are horrible and it doesn't seem to be working. I am going to be asking for a trigger shot, which is a shot that triggers ovulation within 48 hours of receiving the shot (actually I will probably be giving it to myself). It seems like my body gets ready to ovulate and then doesn't and I think the trigger shot will help that.

Unfortunately, money may dictate what we do, since we are 100% out of pocket. Jeff and I had a talk today and I will go to the appointment and talk to the doctor and see what our options are. Another unfortunate circumstance is that I have one, maybe two more cycles until we need to put it on hold until next spring. I am praying it works, because if it doesn't I am going to be very heartbroken. Yet another holiday I will spend feeling as if my body is playing a horrible joke on me. The holidays are usually my favorite time of year, but this year will be even more difficult than the last two have been. In October we will hit 2 years of trying.

I'll update more when I find out what is going on after my dr's appt.

For now, I'll leave you with a quote:

"Faith is walking up the stairs that love built and looking out the window opened by hope."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Annnddd I'm back!

We are back from our mini-vacation! It was fantastic! I will blog more about it later. Right now I'm trying to figure out why I can't see that I'm subscribed to any blogs on my blog reader (even though I know that I'm subscribed to a bunch of blogs!). Booo! I am dying to know what happened this weekend in everyone's lives!

Friday, August 7, 2009

My wedding reception and honeymoon

I am continuing on with the previous post of my wedding by telling you about my reception and honeymoon! :) To join, check out Kelly's Korner Blog for details.

Our reception was at the same location as our wedding, but under a tent about 50 yards away. It was a fall themed decor. Everything was rustic. The centerpieces were burgendy candles in a hurricane vase with river rocks at the bottom. They were beautiful (but unfortunately because it was so hot out and I was dumb enough not to do a candle test to see how long they burned, they had melted before the wedding party even got to the reception!). We gave out packets of apple cider as the favor.

Here is a picture of our cake. It is chocolate cake with chocolate icing and a chocolate filling. It was AMAZING!!! We also had two sheet cakes for people who aren't chocoholics like us. I made the "WE DO" letters on the table. And when we moved I lost our cake cutting set. I am so sad about that. I can not find it anywhere.

Since the ceremony was breezy, we had to do our unity candle at the reception. Here is a picture of that:
Our first dance was so "When I Said I Do" by Clint Black

We cut the cake to the song "Sugar Sugar", and then fed it to each other to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot!" (although we were nice and didn't smash it in each other's faces. I did dab it on his nose though).
I can't find a picture on my computer of me dancing with my dad, but there is a nice story for it so I'll tell it to you. My family LOVED the movie "Mr. Holland's Opus" when I was growing up. I used to play the clarinet and there is a song in the movie where Mr. Holland tells the girl playing the clarinet to "play the sunset". My dad loves that part and loved when I would play that song on the clarinet. To this day that song always reminded him of me. Well he had picked out "I Loved Her First" by Heartland to dance with me to, however I had a surprise up my sleeve. I was going to find the song my dad loved from "Mr. Holland's Opus" and we were going to dance to that. Unfortunately, it isn't on the soundtrack. I was trying so hard to find it and couldn't, so two days before the wedding I told my dad what I had wanted to do and that I was sorry I couldn't find the song but I wanted him to know that it was going to be a surprise for him. Well he went home that night and found the song and downloaded it and sent it to me. We danced to that song at the wedding.

Jeff danced with his mom to "Memories" by Elvis Presley.

Here is me throwing the bouquet. See the girl charging for the bouquet? She practiced and practiced to catch it for the MONTHS leading up to the wedding. Now see the girl on her right, standing still in the black dress? She was the one who caught the bouquet.

I just love this picture for some reason, haha. And I surprised him. I had on a New England Patriots garter and toss garter. :)
Ok, now look at the next two pictures. The first is Jeff trying to fling and in the picture it looks like it will go very far. But the picture below is our reaction to the garter falling to the ground, very short of where they guys were waiting.

The day after our wedding we had a luncheon for anyone who was staying in the area and wanted to come. We ate the left over food from the day before, watched the slideshow that I spent HOURS on that didn't work at the reception, and Jeff and I opened gifts.

I did have one surprise up my sleeve. I ordered a New England Patriots ice cream cake (my husband's FAVORITE kind of cake) as a groom's cake, which I served at luncheon. No one got a picture of it until Jeff started to cut it, so here it is:

In our family, it is a tradition to any man getting married into the family to have "the talk" with one of my male family members. In this case, it was my great-uncle, who is a cop, haha. Here is the picture of him giving Jeff "the talk". I warned Jeff ahead of time that this would happen, I just didn't know when, haha. It was all in good fun (and semi-seriousness!) though.

Just Married!

For our honeymoon we went on a Royal Caribbean cruise to Key West, Cozumel, and Belize.

Key West... we didnt' do any excursions here. We decided just to walk around.

Cozumel... we spent a day at the beach. It was actually a really disappointing. We were expecting a relaxing day on the beach, and it was mobbed with people. Massages on the beach, and it was in the middle of all the crowds and you had to pay for them. The all you can eat buffet was terrible! The only good thing about it was the drinks, which were very good. It was an open bar. I won't go back to Cozumel (and really have no desire to go back to Mexico).
Belize was BEAUTIFUL! We went on a Jungle Buggy tour to Mayan caves. I would love to spend more time in Belize.
The best sunset picture I got while I was on the cruise.

This picture cracks me up. There was a very nice, but confused man who offered to take our picture next to this ship model. He then aske dus where we were from and we told him Lancaster, which is where we used to live. It is known for the Amish. He actually asked us if we were Amish! If you don't understand why this is funny, read this article.

Overall it was a fantastic cruise! We can not wait to cruise again!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Guess what I'm dong this weekend...

camping! :) Jeff's parents bought a camper (so yes, fake camping, although I've been known to do some real camping in my life as well!) and the keep it on a site in West Virginia, so we are going camping for the weekend. I am looking forward to the time alone with my husband with virtually no technology (no regular TV, although they do have a DVD player, no computer, no cell phone... it will be along but I don't want to use it except to call Jeff's brother to check on the dogs). His parents are coming down too but they are leaving either Saturday or Sunday. We are staying until Tuesday. It will be like a mini-vacation.

I've been camping, both real and fake, since I was 5 weeks old. When I was a kid we went every single weekend from spring until late fall. I really miss it. Jeff and I don't go as much as we would like. It is something we will get into more when we have more spendable cash.

I will miss my dogs and really wish we could bring them along (long, touchy story that I'd rather not get into) but I will enjoy being able to sleep in and not have to worry about waking up to feed dogs or to let dogs out. :)

And hopefully I will be getting away from infertility for a few days and just pretend to be normal...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My heart aches

Today has been an up and down day. Funny... my husband woke me up and told me it won't be a good day for me. He said that he couldn't bring me a lemonade home from work (he brings me one every day) because the cooler was broken. No biggy! (Although I did miss my lemonade!) Then he said there were no mini-jokes in the paper. He reads me the mini-jokes in the paper every single Sunday morning, but today they weren't in there. :( Oh well. But there was a really nice thunderstorm this morning. The kind that you want to curl up in the blankets and listen to the rain and light thunder. It was wonderful.

But I've been emotionally taxed today. I keep thinking about what it will be like to be a mother. I want to play with my child so badly. To cuddle with my child, watch movies with my child, read books to my child. I want to be embarrassed that my child is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. I want to change dirty diapers, wet sheets, muddy clothing. We have names picked out for a boy and a girl and I think about those names all of the time. I love them because they are my children's names, but I just don't know the children who belong to them yet. (If you are wondering, we are telling names until the baby is born.) It is so hard to sit here every day and wonder IF I will ever have a child. No. Scratch that. IF I will ever carry my own child or if my child will come through adoption. It is hard to hear people talk about their pregnancies and complain about morning sickness. I would give anything to have morning sickness, because that means that I have a baby inside. I am thrilled for those who are pregnant and wanted to become a parent. I am not upset about their being pregnant. I am upset about my not being pregnant.

I am just emotional today. It is the medication side effects, and natural feelings of wanting to become a mother and for my husband to become a father. Thank you for reading this downer of a post, but this is partly what this blog is for... to help me get off my chest what I am feeling so I can remain positive in real life. And to also let those know JUST A BIT of what it feels like to be someone dealing with infertility because it is somthing not very well understood. Those who have never gone through it will never understand how those going through it feel, even though they may feel sympathy towards the couples going through it.

I am so appreciative for the support I receive. My husband is amazing. There is an online board I talk on that is made up of a FANTASTIC group of very strong women who are going through the same thing, although in different stages. I have some family members and close friends who have also gone through it and they have been very supportive as well. And I have friends that may not know how I feel but are offering their support and prayers, which I really appreciate as well. It is important to me. I tend to be an emotional person and I tend to be very passionate about how I feel about things, which is another reason why I wanted to start talking about infertility in this blog. It is something I feel strongly about that isn't very well known and is hush hush and through this blog I hope to educated just one person about infertility. If that happens, my mission is complete (although I still won't stop blogging, haha).

New Look

Do ya like it? I really wanted to go to a 3 column blog style instead of just two.

I still want a new header. I'll get there at some point. For now, it is after midnight and I need to go to bed.

*Edit* Now there is a new header which I designed today! :)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Please read this article

Please read this article. If you are suffering with infertility then save it and pass it on to family or friends who may seem uncomfortable around you. If you are not dealing with infertility, read this and follow it. it is very informative on how to talk to someone who is dealing with infertility. It is one of those things that can never be understood by someone who has never experienced it, but this article does a fantastic job of explaining how we feel and what may or may not comfort us. Pass it on. It is a fantastic article.