Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day.

Today Jeff and I celebrate 8 years of being together. 8 years ago today we went on our first date. It was to the movies to see "The Others". We were both just entering our senior year of high school. At the end of the date he asked if he could give me a hug. How adorable is that? Want to know what we looked like then? Check out this picture:This was actually about 9 months after we started dating, but it was still right around that time. Inevitably, you are looking at his hair... we used to joke around that he looked like carrot top. I loved it though. He had the body of a soccer player and the hair to match. :) And what I wouldn't kill to have the body that I had back then back. I'm working on it...

We really don't celebrate the day anymore. We mention it, but because we are married we celebrate our wedding anniversary now, which is less than a month later.

But today is bittersweet. One year ago today I found out that the positive pregnancy test I got a few days earlier was the result of a chemical pregnancy. I had just bought something to tell Jeff that he was going to be a daddy... and I was going to tell him that day. How perfect? To tell him on the day we were celebrating 7 years of being together. It wasn't to be though. I didn't even get to tell him. He never got to feel the excitement. I only pray that we will be able to be excited together someday soon. It is hard to think that if it would have worked out, I would be a mother by now. But instead I am looking to more infertility treatments. To saving as much money as possible to be able to afford these treatments. They say the physical pain is easier to get over than the emotional pain of a miscarriage, and that is very true. For me, other than some painful cramps, the physical pain wasn't too much more than a normal period (sorry for the TMI). But the emotional pain still hurts to this day. I know that what I've been through isn't nearly as much as many other people, but it still does hurt.

"An angel in the book of life,
wrote down my baby's birth,
then whispered as she closed the book,
'Too beautiful for earth.'"

So today is bittersweet. We are thrilled to be celebrating 8 years together, closer and more in love every single day, and we are having a hard time knowing that we still don't have a child and mourning the loss of the chance we were given.

I found this poem I wanted to share. It is more for the loss of a child, but I think it goes with infertility as well, so here it goes:

Don't Tell Me That You Understand

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve, don't tell me when to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you and your love...Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, "My friend, I care."

~Author Unknown~