Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future".
Here... I am going to say it now... I am struggling with infertility.
I haven't posted this yet because I wasn't sure if I should discuss this on this blog or not, but I am going to step out on a limb and do it. I am still at the beginning stages of my treatment, and I pray I don't have to get further than the beginning stages. I struggled with coming out of this closet because I wasn't sure if my early struggle would really count compared to others who have, sadly, been through many more treatments and medicated cycles than I have. I am afraid that, if I succeed with just oral medication, I would be looked down on for feeling the pain of infertility. But no matter where I am in this walk, I was diagnosed with infertility (right now it is unexplained) and I think it is important for me to talk about it. I have a wonderful online support group of girls who have helped me learn so much, and I know what to expect when I go for my appointments and I know that I know that I'm not alone in this walk.
Why do I think it is important? Because it is a topic that is not talked about. It is hushed because it is so personal and uncomfortable. Many people don't understand what it is, and how others feel when they are going through it and so no one says anything about it. It is one of those things that maybe if it isn't talked about, it doesn't really exist, but sadly it does. This topic has become more known throughout the years. Maybe because more people (yes people, not just women) are going through this, or maybe because it talked about more, or maybe it is a combination of both. My hope is that through this blog more people become aware of just how common it is.
In our case it is me, and not Jeff that is having this problem. He's been tested and is fine. I am the one who right now has unexplained infertility. Unfortunately, these issues run in my family, so I sort of expected to have problems. We have been trying for a year and a half. I had a very early miscarriage in August (and if you do the math you will understand why Mother's Day was one of the worst days for me... especially what month it fell in).
Unfortunately, another issue making this difficult is insurance. Our insurance will not cover infertility treatments, so everything we go through is paid 100% by us. That has been so heartbreaking. Especially when I see that our insurance covers abortion in full. Because of this, we are not sure how far in our infertility walk we are willing to go before we start the adoption process. Adoption is a consideration for us. I have already looked into it. I just need to get over the grief of not carrying my own child if I get to that point, however I don't see adoption as "replacing" the children I couldn't have. I see it as adding to our family. But I will get to that road when, and if I come to it.
IF... that is what the online community abbreviates infertility to, and it is so fitting. IF... if... if this next treatment works, if this next bill isn't too big, if I can never have children, if I have multiples, if she gets pregnant before me, if I am too old... there are so many if's in the world, and especially with infertility.
I have shed many, many tears over this and writing has helped me. I tried to start an infertility blog but wasn't quite ready for that. I think that combining it with this blog is going to help, because I know that this blog won't just be about that... it will be about my LIFE. I also plan on discussing more hot topics in the infertility world to help everyone understand what it is like to be thrown into this world, or a small part of the emotional rollercoaster this road really is.
But for now I hold tight to Jeremiah 29:11. That is my verse throughout this whole journey. That is my hope. I know that one day I will be a mother, I just don't know how it will happen, but I know that when that day comes I will be amazed at the miracle of life.
For now I ask for your prayers for myself and for all of the other women struggling with this heartbreak.
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5 comments:
Hi, I was sent an email which directed me to your blog. I too suffer from infertility.
I just want you to know your family is in my prayers.
God Bless You! Please keep me updated.
Tiffany
I will think about you everyday and hope that you are blessed with a miracle...
I came across your blog via one of the many blogs that I read on a daily basis (I can't remember which one), but I feel like it was divine intervention. This post was something I needed to hear from someone other my self-talk. My husband had a vasectomy in his previous marriage, which he had two boys in, and now, we are starting to explore fertility options. Lately I have been praying my heart out and really searching me heart for God's direction. I desire so much to carry a child composed of little parts or me and little parts of my husband, but I feel God leading me toward adoption. Money is a concern. Your stated fact that insurance fully funds abortions but not fertility assistance is jarring. It makes me sad to think that that is a trend in our country and it being accepted so much that it's becoming commonplace. I'd love to pen-pal through email with you, if you'd like to bounce down this emotional path with a perfect stranger. I need it, I know that much. :) You and your husband with be in my prayers. {scrae@comcast.net}
Abbie, I'm not sure if you remember me from thenest or not. I haven't been on in a while because I've been struggling with getting pregnant myself and it was just getting to be a little too much online. I will be back soon though. I was curious what kind of steps you've taken so far to being diagnosed with IF. I applaud you for being so open and honest about your situation, it helps to have someone to relate to. I feel like I am only a few steps behind you, but wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you and praying for your own little miracle.
~Danielle (WifeofaRedhead)
Hi :) I found you through another blog...and honestly, not sure which - maybe from MckMama? Or Kelly's blog? Either way, I want to say that I am so incredibly happy that you chosen to talk about infertility. My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years and have had three miscarriages. No rhyme or reason as to why - we've had many tests done by our OB and regular doctor, but we too, are in the insurance tangle and cannot right now afford any more tests. Please know that we are praying for you and lifting you and your family up.
Amanda
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