I'm alive! I swear!

Wow have I been missing for a while! I have been so swamped that I can barely keep my head above water, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am almost there. I told my mom that if I can make it to thanksgiving, I can make it to the end.

I have a hard time with the holidays. I have a hard time letting another, childless holiday pass, thinking that maybe next year will be my year, and for the past 2 holidays and this holiday season, it isn't my year. But I'm not posting another downer post. I want to post what I'm thankful for. Yesterday I had my students go around the room and each say 1 thing they were thankful for. I got anything from an airsoft gun, to food to eat, to family members, and a roof over their heads. They are thinkers! I wanted to say what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for my Christian beliefs. While I may struggle sometimes, (ok, a lot lately...) I still am trying to hold to them and to some important verses that get me through this time.

I'm thankful for a wonderful, supportive husband. He is my rock. Without him I wouldn't have anything to stand on. He can always make me smile, laugh, think of something other than what may be on my mind. He is so supportive in everything I do.

I'm thankful for my family. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They support me and pray for me in everything I go through!

I'm thankful for my dogs. They bring humor to every single second of my day. I mean, we do live with our own personal "Marley" (that would be Maggie in our case). At this very moment they are crying at a window because they want to attack a squirrel that is outside.

I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator. I can't say food on my table, because that would imply that I have time to cook! But in this tight economy, many people often get caught up in the materials that they aren't able to buy. I'm trying to think of what I do have, because so many people don't have a roof over their heads and food in their refrigerator.

I'm thankful for my friends. They make me who I am. They stick by me when I disappear for weeks at a time because I am so swamped and are right there waiting when I come out of the tunnel.

I am thankful for the support I have from a wonderful group of ladies on the bump who are all going through IF or have gone through it and succeeded. They are such an amazing group of women and I am thankful that I have them to lean on during this journey and that I am there for them to lean on.

I'm thankful that I am 13 school days from finishing out this very difficult semester and 13 school days away from my certification.

I'm thankful that I am going to see New Moon today for a second time. :) Ok... I had to throw ONE material thing in there!

I'm thankful that there is technologies to help people dealing with infertility to achieve pregnancy and am hopeful that it will work for me (or that a miracle will happen between now and the spring!).

What are YOU thankful for? I'd love to see your responses so leave a comment to let me know that you know I'm still alive and that you are thankful for something!

Too beautiful for earth...

Today is Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. At 7:00pm I, and many other couples lit a candle for their angels in heaven.

I also wanted to give you a prayer request along the same lines. I belong to a website where many amazing women post. One of these women experienced a horrible loss yesterday. Her baby died only a few days before it's due date. Please pray for Angie and her husband for their loss.

I lit three candles. One for my angel, one for Angie's angel, and one for every other couple who has experienced loss. I wish a day like this didn't have to exist.

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,

Then whispered as she closed the book,

"Too beautiful for Earth"

-Unknown

May Angels Lead You In

My mom's godmother passed away Saturday night. She was such a special woman and so wonderful to our family. She was like a grandmother to me. She was 94 years young (and you will get why I say young in a few minutes). She is truly an inspiration. She graduated college in 1935. She traveled around the world well into her 80's. She volunteered at a nursing home for years until they told her to stop because she couldn't see over the wheelchairs anymore! My mom and I always made at least one trip a year to visit her. She lives a few hours away. Once in a while we would make a few extra trips if we were up in that area. We used to go up and have lunch with her and my great-grandmother, who passed away when I was 17 years old, whom I still miss dearly. Now they are friends in heaven. She didn't have any children, but always treated my mom like her own grandchild, and she would spoil us rotten when we would come to visit her.

I have an insane obsession with York Peppermint Patties and I have Kitty to thank for it (we called her Kitty... everyone did). When we went to visit her one of the many times when I was a kid, we would take her to the store and she would INSIST (no matter how much my mom tried to say no) in buying me and my brother our own bags of candy. I would pick the Peppermint Patties. Every time I have one I think of her.

She passed in her sleep, without any illness. It was just her time. She was called Home, to be with her beloved husband who passed years ago.


May angels lead you in Kitty. I will miss you forever and keep you close to my heart always.

Frustrated

I am frustrated with the coverage that fertility treatments get on the news. It is no wonder people have such a horrible view or such an uneducated view of fertility treatments and infertility. The only coverage that anyone ever hears is negative coverage. There is no success stories heard in the press. It makes me sad to see that. It makes me sad that couples already hurting so much over the pain of infertility then has to face opposition from some friends or family who think fertility treatments are inherently evil and always result in high order multiples. We don't hear about the wonderful success stories.

I am determined to be a success story and to help change the views of those around me on the good that fertility treatments can do.

Thanks and more

Thanks to everyone for the anniversary wishes! That was very sweet of you! We had a great evening, although we were both tired (me from a busy day, and him from getting up early).

After we were married, we didn't avoid getting pregnant, although I wasn't charting, using OPKs or anything. We thought it would eventually happy. I used to worry what people would think if we got pregnant right away and had a honeymoon baby. Now I laugh at that thought. I would give anything to have someone think that, than to go through the difficulties we are having now. We have one more month to try before we have to stop until the spring. I don't have my hopes up. This month was a big fail. No ovulation. I was back to the way I was before I went on Clomid. I can't wait until I can start working in January. We can start saving for our first fertility treatment beyond Clomid, which I am hoping will be IUI. We will meet with a RE in March to start more testing.

School is going. I am so so tired all of the time because of all of the work I have to do, but I just need to adjust to it. It is a lot of work all at once, and there is not really time to do it during the day other than my prep time when the kids are in special, which isn't a whole lot of time. I do a lot of work at home. I think when I am in my own classroom, I am going to try to keep most of it at work. I'll go in early or stay a little late so that I can get things done (more the early than the late, probably) so that I can enjoy being home. But right now with student teaching, it is more than just what I would be doing normally because I also have assignments that I have to do for the college in order for me to graduate. I am trying to bang those out so I can concentrate on teaching my kiddos, whom I adore! This is a great age (4th grade)! I really hope I will get the maternity leave position when I am done with the semester (my co-op is pregnant and will be going on maternity leave in January). And there is another 4th grade teacher retiring at the end of the year, so I hope they fill it and fill it with ME! I really love this age. I think I would love teaching between 2nd and 4th. And the school I am in is fantastic! There is a lot of support and a lot of resources. I really am enjoying it. It is a great learning process. I can't imagine how I would be if I had only had the field experience that my college provides us with during the program and I didn't have the year and a half working in a special education classroom, and the experience sub teaching. I think I would be even more overwhelmed right now!

I just have to say that I can not WAIT for Christmas! I will be certified (hopefully!) and it will be my favorite holiday! That is my push! I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm even seeing Christmas stuff in the stores now!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my 2 year wedding anniversary! I have married the most wonderful, amazing man ever! He is so thoughtful and caring. He always knows how to make me laugh, smile, and feel comforted. I am so happy I get to spend my life with him! I love you honey!

I'm Alive! I promise!

Here is the promised update. :)

I have been so busy the last few weeks! I've missed blogging! I started my last semester of my post-bacc certification (that is a teaching certification for those of us who already have their bachelor's degree). That means that this semester I am student teaching. So far I am loving it. The kids are a great group of kids (4th grade!), and my co-operative teacher is really great. We have very similar teaching and organizational styles and I think it is a fantastic placement. She also found out in May that she is pregnant and she will be going on maternity leave in January... which means that I will be considered for her long-term sub job! Wish me luck! It is hard finishing my certification in December because schools aren't typically hiring anything but long-term sub jobs at that point. So we will see! I am viewing these next 16 (well I guess, 14 1/2 at this point) weeks as an interview. I hope it goes well! :)

We tried an unmedicated cycle this month and I really don't think it worked because I didn't pick up an ovulation in my chart or on my CBEFM (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor), so my hopes really aren't up. We will try one more unmedicated cycle after this month before putting trying on hold until April so that we can save money for IUI. Wow I never thought I'd be dealing with IF. I've been trying to be positive and not think about it lately though. It isn't like I don't have other stuff to be thinking about! Haha!

It is edging closer to fall. (Well, if you ask me, fall has arrived). I am wearing sweaters to school and sleeping under a heavy comforter! I love fall! My favorite season! It is beautiful. The colorful, crunchy leaves, the crips autumn air, football, sweaters, jeans, apple cider, pumpkins, Thanksgiving, pumpkin pie... I could keep going. I just love fall! I've already decorated for it.

So that's it in a nutshell right now. Not a whole lot of interesting stuff going on, but that is ok. Its really busy... so I am taking a deep breath and heading in head first. :)