I posted this post last June, but because it is National Infertility Awareness Week, I decided to do a repost, and maybe edit it a little bit. Here is an edited version of the post I posted in June 2009:
Since it has been over a year and a half (edit: It has been 2 1/2 years now) since we've been trying we've gotten a TON of comments about when we are going to have kids, what we need to do to have them, etc. I am going to cover this topic today because it is a VERY important topic. These are things that should never be said to anyone, let alone someone dealing with infertility! In most of these cases, the people knew we were dealing with infertility when we were told this. I feel if I cover this topic it will help people understand how much their well meaning comments actually do hurt. I will also suggest a few good things to say to someone dealing with infertility and miscarriage.
1. "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "When are you having kids?"
This question is a hard question to hear. In my honest opinion it is also an extremely rude question to ask. It is right up there with "when are you going to lose weight?". I know that those asking this question mean well, but it can be a VERY difficult question to take, especially when it is asked to someone who is going through infertility or suffering from a miscarriage (or both). Most of the time the asker does not know what the person is going through, which is why it is such a difficult question. How are we supposed to answer it? Sometimes I really do feel like asking a rude question back, but I'm not rude. I just force myself to smile and say something like "we are trying", or "when we want to" or if I want to be a little cunning I will say something like "9 months after I conceive". But inside my heart is ripping apart because I am wondering the same question myself.
2. "Just relax and it will happen."
Seriously, it is beyond relaxing at this point. My body does not work correctly. Relaxing will not help me get pregnant. It may help me to relax when I am going through the treatments because, let's face it, stress really is not a help at all, however at this point not relaxing is not why I haven't gotten pregnant. This response makes anyone dealing with infertility want to SCREAM. We have to suffer through countless uncomfortable tests and heartbreak and embarrassment along the way. Relaxing at this point is MINOR.
3. This one is a doozy. I was told by someone who meant well that I was not getting pregnant because I was not being faithful to God.
How heartbreaking to hear this. This person was a family member to, and someone I did not expect to hear it from. It broke my heart to hear this and it makes me cry to this day. I had just finished telling the person about our infertility. I now feel like I can no longer tell this person about anything else. I do not believe that God punishes anyone this way. If so, then are the teens getting pregnant more faithful than me? Or are the prostitutes or druggies more faithful than me? I believe that we go through things to prepare us for something in the future and that I am chosen for this journey to prepare myself for something in the future. Perhaps it is so I appreciate the children I have even more than I would have if this would have been easy for me. I do not know, but I know that God would not punish me by making me infertile.
4. Told to me after I suffered my miscarriage: "At least you know you can get pregnant".
This does not help someone suffering the loss of their child. My miscarriage was very early. I had already miscarried before I found out I was even pregnant. It does not put my mind at easy. I still think "what if my body can not stay pregnant?" and "why did that baby die?".
5. "You can always adopt."
This is said as if adoption is an easy alternative. Adoption is not easy. There is a long process you have to go through, not to mention a lot of money. Also, choosing to adopt means that you first need to go through a grieving process knowing that you may never have your own biological child. It also implies that the adoption is a replacement for biological children. I don't see it as a replacement. I see it as an addition to your family. Often times this comment is also followed by "I know someone who has adopted and they got pregnant as soon as they started the process". Adoption is not a miracle for infertility. Those people were blessed, but that does not mean that it will happen for everyone, and at that point the couple who are adopting have already chosen to start their family in a new way, so that pregnancy was a surprise.
6. "Now that I know about your infertility, you won't be able to surprise me with your pregnancy".
I refuse to allow this to be taken from me. I will be telling everyone in a special way when I am finally blessed with the miracle of pregnancy. I will not just be able to tell them because it is no longer a surprise. It will still be a surprise and it will be a happy moment and I will tell them in a fun way. I can not give this part up. It is important to me. I have dreamt about this from the time I was little and I can not wait to tell everyone in a special way.
What to say to someone who is going through infertility:
Just tell them you will be praying for them, or thinking of them. If you are closer with them, ask them how their procedures are going.
What to say to someone who went through a miscarriage:
Just say "I'm sorry" and/or "I will pray for you". There is nothing more you really can say to make someone feel better. You can let them know you are thinking of them by sending them a card or something.
Added: Please also do not make the person feel bad if they decide that they can't come to your baby shower, child's 4th birthday party, or even to your house because you have babies. They may be having a difficult day dealing with infertility and being around children or pregnant women is very hard. It isn't that we are angry with you for being pregnant. It is that people going through infertility often have difficult times with things like this because they don't know if it will ever happen for them. They are not trying to be mean or spite you. I had a friend tell me that I treat her differently now that she had her "oops" baby.
Infertility and miscarriage are difficult subjects for people to talk about, even more difficult for those who are walking the path, and it just adds to the difficulty to hear the above comments, and others that I did not mention.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Running Outside 101
Oh man. I did my first outdoor run today. Let me tell you... it was NOT easy! But I DID IT. I am guessing it was about 2 miles total up and down all of the roads of my neighborhood, but I could be wrong. I need to measure to find out, but that is what I am thinking it was. Well first of all, dog owners... pick up your dog poop! I stepped in dog poop today that was on the edge of the sidewalk! I run with my eyes up, so I don't always see what I'm stepping on, and I stepped on a big pile. I wasn't a happy camper. And a lesson, among many, learned: make sure you either bring a key with you or hide a key outside if you are running near your house. I, being the smart one that I am, decided that I would leave the back door unlocked so that I could get in because Jeff was sleeping. Well, out of habit, when I closed it I locked it, not even THINKING of what I was doing, and then went on my merry way, only to come home and find the door locked. Yipee! So I had to wait for Jeff to wake up and let me in, haha.
Running outside IS harder than on a treadmill, but I think that running on an incline when I do run on a treadmill really has helped me because it wasn't as hard as I was expecting it to be. I am glad I had the treadmill to start though, and I will continue to run on it. It really has helped me with a pace. I actually had a pace outside, which I never do! I supplemented my run today. It wasn't a C25K run, it was an adapted run for what I thought I could survive running in my neighborhood and it was tough, but I did it. :) And I loved running with something to look at other than a timeclock! It was wonderful!
So give outside running a try! You never know what you are capable of until you try!
Running outside IS harder than on a treadmill, but I think that running on an incline when I do run on a treadmill really has helped me because it wasn't as hard as I was expecting it to be. I am glad I had the treadmill to start though, and I will continue to run on it. It really has helped me with a pace. I actually had a pace outside, which I never do! I supplemented my run today. It wasn't a C25K run, it was an adapted run for what I thought I could survive running in my neighborhood and it was tough, but I did it. :) And I loved running with something to look at other than a timeclock! It was wonderful!
So give outside running a try! You never know what you are capable of until you try!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Just a Video, but a great message
This is all I am posting today. Just a video... but a great message. Watch with tissues.
Tears and Hope
Tears and Hope
Sunday, April 25, 2010
National Infertility Awareness Week
Yesterday kicked of National Infertility Awareness week.
Did you know that more people suffer from this horrible disability than is known. Right now approximately 10% of the population deal with some sort of trouble conceiving.
Infertility is defined as not conceiving after a year or more of trying, and needing to seek medical help in order to conceive.
Infertility is considered taboo. Not many people talk about it, which is why I am talking about it. Infertility is not covered by many insurances. Treatments can run up to $15K-$20K a CYCLE, depending on the treatment. Many insurances cover abortion, but not infertility treatments. Infertility is a disability, and along with it comes the emotional pain. It is nothing to be ashamed of, yet many people are ashamed, and many are afraid to take the step to seek help!
Please take a moment to think about the many people out there suffering, often silently, with infertility. This week, many of my posts will have to do with infertility, including what not to say to someone who is infertile, and how to support them. I hope you tune in!
Did you know that more people suffer from this horrible disability than is known. Right now approximately 10% of the population deal with some sort of trouble conceiving.
Infertility is defined as not conceiving after a year or more of trying, and needing to seek medical help in order to conceive.
Infertility is considered taboo. Not many people talk about it, which is why I am talking about it. Infertility is not covered by many insurances. Treatments can run up to $15K-$20K a CYCLE, depending on the treatment. Many insurances cover abortion, but not infertility treatments. Infertility is a disability, and along with it comes the emotional pain. It is nothing to be ashamed of, yet many people are ashamed, and many are afraid to take the step to seek help!
Please take a moment to think about the many people out there suffering, often silently, with infertility. This week, many of my posts will have to do with infertility, including what not to say to someone who is infertile, and how to support them. I hope you tune in!
Smile :)
There is a smile on my face. I just completed week 4 day 1 of the Couch to 5K program, and I am hearing week 4 is the hardest, but I can do it!!! If I can get through week 4 and 5, I can do this whole thing! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
I was thinking to myself earlier that a little suffering now, which will lead into finding a hobby is a lot better than suffering from health problems and being overweight for the rest of my life. It is so worth it to me to do this! If not now, then when???
I also wanted to touch on music. To me, music is so important to my run. It really helps me get into a good rhythm, which I didn't have when I first started. I looked like a bumbling fool, I'm sure! One of my favorite groups to run to is Enter the Haggis. They are an awesome, very upbeat celtic rock band. They are so fantastic and they rarely have a slow song. The drummer always has a great rhythm to the song, and their music is easy to get lost on while you run. It is wonderful. But everyone is different. You have to find your music, the music that will help you. Some people don't run with music, but I need to. If I don't, I don't have anywhere for my mind to go except to my running and then I psych myself out. Music has always been what got me through tough times, so I wouldn't have it any other way than to have music go with me on this journey.
Who do you like to listen to?
I was thinking to myself earlier that a little suffering now, which will lead into finding a hobby is a lot better than suffering from health problems and being overweight for the rest of my life. It is so worth it to me to do this! If not now, then when???
I also wanted to touch on music. To me, music is so important to my run. It really helps me get into a good rhythm, which I didn't have when I first started. I looked like a bumbling fool, I'm sure! One of my favorite groups to run to is Enter the Haggis. They are an awesome, very upbeat celtic rock band. They are so fantastic and they rarely have a slow song. The drummer always has a great rhythm to the song, and their music is easy to get lost on while you run. It is wonderful. But everyone is different. You have to find your music, the music that will help you. Some people don't run with music, but I need to. If I don't, I don't have anywhere for my mind to go except to my running and then I psych myself out. Music has always been what got me through tough times, so I wouldn't have it any other way than to have music go with me on this journey.
Who do you like to listen to?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Goals
Goals are essential for a full life and I will prove it. :)
In every sport there is goals (in some sports the ways to earn points are even by scoring goals ie soccer, hockey, and kicking a football through a goal post!). In every activity you do you have a goal in mind. For working, your goal may be to earn money, to become the first woman CEO of your company, to move up in the ladder, to expand your business, etc. Whatever it is you aren't just working to work. You have a reason for working. When you are playing an instrument, you aren't just playing it to play it. You play it to get better, to enjoy your music, to possibly perform. You set a goal that you work towards, otherwise you have no reason to play it. When you go to school your goal is to earn the best grade, to complete the program, to get somewhere further than where you are.
Goals are important. It is important to set them for working out as well. I was talking today with Jeff about my workouts now compared to my workouts before I started running. I had goals before I started running, but those goals weren't as important. Well, not that they weren't important (after all losing weight is an important goal to have if you need to lose it!), its just that they weren't tangible. Yes, I could lose weight, but I didn't have a timeline. I didn't have a real reason to lose the weight. NOW my workouts are different. When I run I'm not just running to lose weight. I'm running because I know that if I don't I will suffer greatly during the 5K on June 26th that I am running. I know that I will let the team I am running with down if they prepare for it and I don't. And I know that I will be angry with myself, and you are hardest on yourself, so you better believe I would have a hard time forgiving myself.
But I don't run with just that goal in mind. I set other goals. I set small goals, which are important if I want to keep succeeding. I set a goal of completing that workout that day. And then my goal is to complete the week. This week I had a tough time with a run and I held on to the treadmill for a minute. For my next workout my goal was to do the whole workout without holding on. And I completed it. And it felt amazing. That runner's high that everyone talks about? It is because runners are constantly setting goals. When I was on the eliptical I didn't have goals like I did. Sure, I kept expanding my time and seeing how long my endurance could go, but it didn't matter to me like this does.
Setting goals is essential for life. Without them you won't push yourself further than you know you are capable. Set reachable goals. If you can't reach them, what is the point in setting them? You won't feel that excitement of completing one goal and being able to set a new, higher goal for yourself!
So what are your goals?
In every sport there is goals (in some sports the ways to earn points are even by scoring goals ie soccer, hockey, and kicking a football through a goal post!). In every activity you do you have a goal in mind. For working, your goal may be to earn money, to become the first woman CEO of your company, to move up in the ladder, to expand your business, etc. Whatever it is you aren't just working to work. You have a reason for working. When you are playing an instrument, you aren't just playing it to play it. You play it to get better, to enjoy your music, to possibly perform. You set a goal that you work towards, otherwise you have no reason to play it. When you go to school your goal is to earn the best grade, to complete the program, to get somewhere further than where you are.
Goals are important. It is important to set them for working out as well. I was talking today with Jeff about my workouts now compared to my workouts before I started running. I had goals before I started running, but those goals weren't as important. Well, not that they weren't important (after all losing weight is an important goal to have if you need to lose it!), its just that they weren't tangible. Yes, I could lose weight, but I didn't have a timeline. I didn't have a real reason to lose the weight. NOW my workouts are different. When I run I'm not just running to lose weight. I'm running because I know that if I don't I will suffer greatly during the 5K on June 26th that I am running. I know that I will let the team I am running with down if they prepare for it and I don't. And I know that I will be angry with myself, and you are hardest on yourself, so you better believe I would have a hard time forgiving myself.
But I don't run with just that goal in mind. I set other goals. I set small goals, which are important if I want to keep succeeding. I set a goal of completing that workout that day. And then my goal is to complete the week. This week I had a tough time with a run and I held on to the treadmill for a minute. For my next workout my goal was to do the whole workout without holding on. And I completed it. And it felt amazing. That runner's high that everyone talks about? It is because runners are constantly setting goals. When I was on the eliptical I didn't have goals like I did. Sure, I kept expanding my time and seeing how long my endurance could go, but it didn't matter to me like this does.
Setting goals is essential for life. Without them you won't push yourself further than you know you are capable. Set reachable goals. If you can't reach them, what is the point in setting them? You won't feel that excitement of completing one goal and being able to set a new, higher goal for yourself!
So what are your goals?
A link to an awesome giveaway
There is a blog I follow that I love. It is a girl who went through a horrible tragedy and found a miracle in it. She now has a beautiful son, who her and her husband adopted. I love reading her blog because of her positive attitude after losing her first son before birth and going through a kidney transplant, two things that could send someone spiraling into depression. I am sure she has difficult days, but she is such a positive girl and I encourage you to check her blog out!
She is also doing a giveaway right now for a beautiful pin. I have to admit that I have selfish reasons for posting this... because it is part of the requirements to be entered in the blog, but the pin is so adorable, AND if I blog about it I could get you to read her blog and look towards a positive attitude, something I've been blogging about lately! So go check out her blog, and even the giveaway while you are at it!
She is also doing a giveaway right now for a beautiful pin. I have to admit that I have selfish reasons for posting this... because it is part of the requirements to be entered in the blog, but the pin is so adorable, AND if I blog about it I could get you to read her blog and look towards a positive attitude, something I've been blogging about lately! So go check out her blog, and even the giveaway while you are at it!
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