I live vicariously through my dreams

Dreams and I live on a love/hate relationship. I love dreaming, but sometimes I hate waking up into reality. Last night I had a dream I was 9 months pregnant, and I woke up hating my body. The other day I dreamt I had a readheaded baby girl, which is something I've always wondered about and hope for because my husband is a redhead. I woke up and missed my baby. I loved these dreams, but hated waking up from them into what was really going on, which is not much of anything, sadly.

I am starting to feel some pressure because we only have two cycles left after this cycle ends before we have to put all of our treatments on hold until the spring. I finish my post-bacc certification in December and start teaching in December/January, but I'm not guaranteed a permanent job, which means I will be long-term subbing. If I don't get a permanent job, we can't try until April or May so that I won't be due in the beginning of the school year teaching with a new school. If I do get a permanent job I we may start right away because I will already be with the school for a while by the time I am due. I won't get hired for a job, though, if they know I'm pregnant and due in September or October, or even November, so if I only sub long term in January, then we aren't going to start trying again until my due date would fall late in the school year, like April-June. This will also allow us to save up for the next step of the process in treatments, which will probably be IUI. Sorry if this paragraph is confusing... I have a lot going through my mind. But after this break we are trying until it happens.

Fantastic birthday!

I had such a fantastic birthday weekend! Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes, both on here and not on here.

Friday the husband and I went to the drive-ins. It was a lot of fun, even though one of the movies was TERRIBLE. We saw Ice Age 3, which was cute, and Year One. Year One was awful. I don't recommend seeing it. I've never seen so many people leave during a movie as left during this one! It was funny! We stayed to watch it even though we both agreed that it was terrible.

Saturday, my birthday, was great. A friend of mine and I went to get a massage, which was FANTASTIC! I will never get over how good massages feel. Ahhh. I could use one every single day. We went out for Panera afterwords, which was just as yummy. :) Then I got home and Jeff gave me the presents he got for me (while I was out getting my massage... the man never plans ahead, haha). He got me golf shoes, the Twilight soundtrack, and Cars. Definitely awesome!

That evening we went to The Melting Pot for dinner with friends. (The pictures were taken by Steph. I forgot my camera). Here is Jeff and me at the restaurant. I love this picture!


These are our friends, Craig and Steph. Craig was Jeff and my roommate in college (we lived in a 3 bedroom apartment. Very good friends!)


The YUMMY cheese fondu. It was Fiesta style. THE BEST!!!! Seriously, I've had most of the cheeses at The Melting Pot and this one is the best by far, in my opinion, but I like spicy foods too, although you can get it without jalopenos.

This is a TERRIBLE picture of me, but you shouldn't be looking at me... you should be looking at the desert platter. The restaurant put a candle on the cheesecake! So sweet! :)

Seriously, if you haven't been there make it a point to go. Save your pennies because it isn't cheap, but it is the best restaurant ever!!! Afterwards we waddled to our cars and we all headed back to our house to play board games and drink some wine. It was a great night!

It was really great to spend the day with friends and my husband! It was really great to spend the whole weekend with my husband, who took off work to surprise me! I really had a wonderful birthday! :)

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

It's somebody's birthday...

on Saturday. Whose birthday? MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait! I love birthdays so much! It is my second favorite time of year (Christmas beats birthday!). I am going to get a massage during the day with a friend of mine and then Jeff and I are going out with our good friends (our roommate from college and his girlfriend) to The Melting Pot!!! YUM! Best day ever! Oh and the night before we are going to a drive-in. But what I am even more excited about is that Jeff surprised me by taking off this weekend. He wasn't going to tell me and instead surprise me Friday night by telling me that he doesn't have to work this weekend, but he was talking to his dad tonight and spilled the beans. WAHOO!!! He has worked so much lately and I am so excited to be able to spend a whole weekend with him... my birthday weekend to boot! I love birthdays! I love everybody's birthday!

So what do I want? A positive pregnancy test would be night, although I won't be testing on my birthday. I don't want it to ruin my day. Otherwise I have no idea. I am just so happy to have a wonderful husband, family, friends, dogs, house, etc. I am lucky. Infertility is not going to put a damper on my blessings, and especially not on my birthday weekend. I know that it can be depressing, but I will have a great weekend, month, etc. I am positive.

Oh and a cute story... since my birthday is around 4th of July, when I was a kid my mom would tell me that the fireworks were for my birthday so I used to think that everyone was celebrating my birthday and that all of the fireworks shows were for me. Now I still pretend that they are... :) A girl can pretend can't she?

Something to hope for

I have an aunt that suffered through 9 years of infertility before adopting her three children. She has been an amazing support to me. My birthday is on Saturday and I saw a lot of family this past weekend. The card my aunt gave me had an inspirational quote in it that is so fitting for now and really means a lot to me. Here it is:

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." ~Joseph Addison

How true is that. Something to hope for. I so often focus on what I don't have, and on the heartbreak that I am feeling, but I don't always focus on what I have to hope for. I have something to do (that is a given... I always have something to do!). I have something to love (a lot of somethings and some ones to love). But something to hope for... I do have that. I have a lot to hope for. Outside of infertility I hope that I will get a job with a great school, I hope that we will do well financially, I hope the Patriots win the Superbowl. But I hope that I will have a child as well. I do have that hope. I often don't get my hopes up from month to month that it will be the month, but I do have hope overall that I will become a mother someway... whether I carry my child in my belly or in my heart.

I do have something to hope for. What is your something to hope for?

Happy 4th and some other stuff

Happy 4th of July (1 day early). I don't know if I will be able to jump on tomorrow, so I decided to do it today.

My family goes camping every year since I can remember for what we call the "Other Family Campout". It is my dad's side of the family and my mom's side of the family that gets together every year for the 4th to camp. I haven't camped with them for a while now, but would like to at some point. Instead, I go to where they are camping for a day trip on the day of the family party. Myself, and 3 of my cousins were born in June and July so when I was growing up and then when they were younger we had a family party to celebrate all of the birthdays. I stopped being part of the party when I was 20 or 21, (I guess I felt the need to grow up and that I wouldn't be looked at as "grown up" if I was still getting presents from my extended family for my bday. We really don't celebrate adult birthdays more than a card in my extended family). I still went for the family party though. We also used to have bocce tournaments, which was awesome. Now we just play bocce. I am going up tomorrow for the family potluck and party (although we aren't celebrating many birthdays this year). I am excited to go. I am going to spend the day and then come home after dinner. When we were really little, my cousins and I would play in the water and try to catch crawfish and build them "homes" out of rocks. Some of my favorite memories are from the Other Family Campout. I remember one year my cousin was born while we were all at the campout. (Well, she was born in the hosptial, but we got the call when we were there! By the way, today is her birthday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEIDI!).

Our area has one of the few remaining drive-ins in the nation, and actually the only one in the state. We used to have two in the area, but one was closed a few years ago (the one I grew up going to, sadly). Jeff and I are going to go to the drive-ins on Saturday night. I am so excited! :) I love going to the drive ins. We get a bunch of junk food and go and play games before the movies start. It is so fun. When I was a kid my mom used to make trail mix before we went to the drive ins. If I would walk in the kitchen and see my mom in there (which was a miracle to begin with because my dad is the one who cooks) with a BIG orange tupperware bowl (this thing was MASSIVE) I knew that it was drive-ins night! I hope that this drive in stays open long enough for our kids to make memories there and remember what drive ins were like because, sadly, they are dying out. Where else can you pay $7 a person for two movies that are out in theaters, not even old movies??? And you can sit in your own car and bring your own food!

So happy 4th of July everyone!!! I hope you all have a fantastic day making memories! Here's to hoping next year I have a little one to make memories with!

**EDIT** Someone anonymously left this website: http://www.driveinmovie.com/PA.htm in my comments that lists more drive-ins in PA. I don't know how up to date this website it or how many of these are still running, since it lists Columbia Drive-Ins and that was the one I grew up going to which is no longer in service. I just wanted to make a correction that the drive-in I *was* going to (Jeff found out he now has to work... bummer. Fingers crossed that he gets called off!) is not the only one in PA as far as this website is concerned, however I can't guarantee that this website is up to date or that many of these places are still around since articles I read when the Columbia Drive-Ins was going out of business said that there aren't many left in the country.

The movie "Orphan"

Wow... I just saw a preview for this movie and I have no intentions of seeing it. It seems like "orphans" are being made out to be evil. Society already has a bad view on what is to be an orphan and on orphan children, but this certainly does not help the case. The movie looks like it is about a family who brings an orphan into their home and the orphan turns out to be evil and does a lot of evil things. It is a horror movie. It makes me so sad to see this movie. There are already issues placing children in foster homes and older children in forever homes. This movie doesn't seem to help. I hope this movie has a better ending than I presume it will have, but I just can't see this movie.