I am now in my 2nd round of Clomid. I finished taking the pills last week. I started getting crazy mood swings right away, which was fun given that I was in the middle of crowds in the heat of Disney. One minute I was ready to scream at half of the people there, and the next I was tearing up over the name of a restaurant. A half hour later I was bubbly and cheerful. I was so confused about how I felt and if I was confused, imagine how my husband felt!
The headache started the 4th day of the 5 day prescription and hasn't stopped yet. The day it started, we were on a bus on the way to another resort for dinner at a restaurant there. There was a boy, maybe 4 or 5 years old, sitting behind us with his grandmother (who was fairly young, 50's). The rest of their family was in the front of the bus. The ride started with the boy spraying me in the back with his fan spray (a spray bottle filled with water with a fan attached to it to blow the water). He then started to scream to his family in the front of the bus while leaning forward in his seat so that he was screaming in my ear. I was cringing every time he screamed. Meanwhile the grandmother was yelling up to the family as well. Hm. She must have seen me cringe because as they got off the bus she said to me "If you don't like kids you shouldn't have come to Disneyworld". UM HELLO? I am a teacher. I can control a classroom of 35 kids. I would like you to control ONE. I love kids... I am trying desperately to have my own. At that point a major mood swing hit. It was a good thing that lady got off the bus before I had a chance to blow my lid. Unfortunately, my husband took the brunt of it, but a half hour later I was bubbly and cheerful. Sheesh. But the headache hasn't stopped since. Today has actually been the worst of the headache days. I hope it subsides soon.
Last month on Clomid I didn't have hot flashes. This cycle is another story. Holy cow! (Speaking of, I can feel one coming on. Fantastic). It has been very nice here all day, with a nice breeze blowing in the windows and my fan running, but every few minutes I feel like I'm back in Orlando on the hottest day, dressed in a sweatsuit and winter coat. Yikes!
I really hope this month on Clomid works, for the obvious reason that I want to have a child, but also because these side effects are driving me batty!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Disney, play by play
Disney was a blast and a headache all at once! On a scale of 1-10 we would rate it a 6 or 7. It was SO HOT and HUMID. Apparently they were having record heat and humidity for this time of year. Of course... that was when home was having 80 degree beautiful temps. Whenever we walked outside our sunglasses fogged up, my camera lens fogged every morning, and even though I did my hair each morning, the minute I would step outside it would frizz like crazy and basically be pointless that I had even done my hair at all!
Notice the hair... blech. Very frizzy! My curls had started to come back.
I made him try this hat on. :)
The resort was beautiful! We stayed at Port Orleans Riverside in the Alligator Bayou. I recommend this highly!
This is the dining room building.
On our way to our room we walked over a bridge with this river. So pretty!
Our lodge! There were a bunch of these spread out over a large area. In between them were smaller pools and also ponds. There was one pain pool towards the front. SOMEONE (ahem... me) forgot their swimsuit so we never did go swimming.Our room was fantastic! It was big, and air conditioned, haha. It was nicely decorated. It was decorated like a cottage. So nice!
*The beareau above had the TV inside. The panels were copper with punchout designs. It was so pretty!*
We were on the Disney Deluxe Dining Plan and if you have plans to go to Disney, I really REALLY recommend doing the Disney Deluxe Plan, or at least the Basic plan. With our plan we got 3 meals a day and 2 snacks a day. Alcohol was not included (but I couldn't drink on Clomid anyway). The meals could be sit down or quick grab. Quick grab meals are meals like at our lodge, where you walk up to the counter, order what you want, check out and eat. No one is waiting on you. What was nice was that if we ate at our lodge, we had a refillable cup that came with our plan, and we could refill soda, water, lemonade, or coffee whenever, so for the drinks that came with our meal (2 at breakfast, 1 and lunch and 1 at dinner) we would get water and then take that water into the parks with us because Disney lets you take your own drinks into the park. That was very nice. A quick grab breakfast consisted of: 2 drinks, and either 2 things from the bakery, or a combo meal (like french toast, eggs, bacon and sausage) or a make your own parfait. The quick grab lunch and dinner was 1 drink, and then a combo lunch (at the lodge we could have hamburgers and fries, sandwich and fruit or chips, create your own pasta dish, creat your own salad) and then a desert. The sit down meals were any meals that we were waited on and had to leave a tip (pretty much anywhere you have to make reservations). At a sit down meal we got a refillable drink, an appetizer, an entree, and a desert. We also got 2 snacks a day. Snacks were anything with a sncak symbol next to it. We frequently got frozen drinks because they weren't filling (we usually weren't hungry) but they were refreshing and we stayed hydrated (very important). Towards the end we realized we weren't using all of our snacks (it was hard to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day!!!) so we got a bunch of candy for one night when we were hanging around the lodge instead of going out (it was stormy) and then also for our flight home.
Best restaurant for Service: Le Cellier Steakhouse at Epcot (in Canada at the World Showcase) or Tony's Town Square at Magic Kingdom
(This is Le Cellier Steakhouse)
(This is Le Cellier Steakhouse)Runner up: Teppan Edo in Japan at the Epcot World Showcase
Best meal: Filet Mignon on top of cream cheese mashed potatoes with a mushroom topping at Le Cellier Steakhouse (HOLY COW was this good!!!!!!) (To get reservations at the steakhouse you have to call and schedule them as soon as you are able to. They book up right away! We could only get a lunch reservation).
Runner Up: Steak and Chicken cooked on the Hibachi grill at Teppan Edo in Japan at the Epcot World Showcase
Best desert: Chocolate ginger cake at Teppan Edo in Japan at the Epcot World Showcase
Runner up: Fried cream cheese won ton at Yak and Yeti in Animal Kingom
Best snack: frozen raspberry lemonade
Worst restaurant for service: 'Ohana... service was HORRIBLE! The waitress took a half hour to fill our drinks every time we needed a refill, the turkey wasn't cooked (like a slimy pink center), and we always felt like we were forgotten. It took us 45 minutes to actually get our check and then get our card back so that we could leave. It was just awful. Apparently this was supposed to be a great place and came highly recommended to us. We feel if we had a different waitress we would have had a much better experience.
Runner Up: Yak and Yeti at Animal Kingdom. The waitress was very frustrating here. I consider it very tacky to mention how a guest should pay their tip, and the very first thing our waitress said to us was that we had to pay our tip (it wasn't covered by the dining plan), which we already knew. She then seemed very pushy and we felt as if we were being rushed the whole time and as if she didn't really want to be at our table. The food wasn't the greatest, except the desert. My meal was terrible (but I don't like brown rice). Jeff's meal was good, but after a few bites it was overload and very easy to get tired of. The appetizers were OK. Jeff got egg rolls and said that the egg rolls were better at our local Chinese restaurant. I got fried green beans, and TGI Friday's fried green beans were SO MUCH better!
Worst meal: Maple Tamarind Chicken at Yak and Yeti in Animal Kingdom. The chicken wasn't boneless, and came with a brown rice that I did not like at all. I did eat the chicken, but it wasn't the greatest. But it was followed by the second best desert. :)
Runner Up: The meal at 'Ohana, which I explained why it was so bad earlier.
Worst Snack: doesn't exist, haha Every snack I had was fantastic.
The parks were VERY crowded but they were fun! I had been to Disney before, but it was 10 years since, so a lot of things have changed, but it was nice seeing almost everything that hadn't changed and all of the updates they have done.
My favorite park was Animal Kingdom. I *LOVED* the Finding Nemo musical! I also loved the Dinosaur ride, and Finding Everst. The Lion King show was great too! I also thought it was neat that there were walking trails where you could see animals.
No! There aren't snowcapped mountains in FL, at least not real ones! That is Expedition Everest!
Jeff's favorite park was Hollywood Studios, which was the home of our favorite ride, Toy Story Midway Mania!!! BEST RIDE EVER! This was one of my runner up favorite parks (tied with Epcot). I loved the Aerosmith roller coaster, and the Back Stage ride and the stunt show were both REALLY cool! I liked the American Idol experience as well, although the judges were so cheesy and it was obvious they were told to act like Randy, Paula and Simon so that was annoying. Jeff didn't like it.
Jeff waiting in Toy Story Midway Mania. Yes, that is a giant viewfinder film in the background! The whole waiting area was designed to look like you were in Andy's bedroom.
Did I mention that Toy Story Midway Mania was 3D???
Epcot had my 2nd favorite ride, which was Soarin'. SO FREAKING COOL!!! It is a simulator that simulates parasailing over California scenery. It was so neat! It really felt real! Epcot also had Mission Space, which simulates lifting off into space and then a space flight. We had to go on the easy version (there were two versions, one was intense and bad for people with motion sickness... like me). There was also Test Track at Epcot, which was so cool! It was like you were riding a car that was being tested in the factory. I just wish it was longer or more intense, but it was still fun!
Epcot had our least favorite rides too... the Mexico boatride (really needs updating!) and the Norway boatride (creepy!!!). Really, I think all of the World Showcase needs updating. It was just kind of blah. I felt that each country needed a really big attraction to make it popular.
The fireworks at Epcot were the only fireworks we saw. They were awesome! I just wish we could have seen the show that was on the lake in the middle of the fireworks, but they were still really cool!
Our least favorite park was Magic Kingdom. Definitely a park geared for kids. I think we will love it when we have kids.
Rides to Fast Pass: Toy Story Midway Mania, Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster, Soarin', Test Track, Mission Space
We just wish that there were more adult rides. I understand that Disney is for kids, but adults can be big kids too! And adults are the ones paying to come back, so wouldn't you want the adults to want to come back? We do want to go back, but not until we have kids. We were also sad that they didn't have any adult merchandise for Finding Nemo (my favorite Disney movie) or for Toy Story (Jeff's favorite). But we did get other stuff, haha. I got a tshirt that says "I'm Grumpy because you're Dopey"! And we got a bunch of other fun things.
I do have to say that while it was hot and humid, there were plenty of opportunities to get out of the heat and cool down. All of the bathrooms were air conditioned, most of the restuarants were as well, and many of the stores. The shows were usually indoors, and many of the rides were indoors so the line was indoors as well.
Overall it was a great trip. We really enjoyed being with each other and away from home for a while. I am sad it is over. :( But now I have my birthday to look forward to in less than 2 weeks! If you made it this far, you must either really love me or love Disney, or are planning a trip soon!
HOME
I am HOME from Disney! It was a great trip. It definitely had highs and lows but I was sad to leave when it was over. It was very hot and humid. The south just isn't for me. I like my cool air and almost no humidity for most of the year. It was so nice to come home and be able to have windows open because it wasn't too hot out. Oh yes... I am a northern girl. We are already thinking of a remote place we can go for vacation next year (right now we are talking Wyoming) to get away from all of the PEOPLE. Overall we had a great trip and I will post pictures soon! Right now I am enjoying being back in my house with my dogs. :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
M-I-C (see you real soon!) K-E-Y (why? Because I love you!)
M-O-U-S-EEEEEE!
Guess who leaves today for Disney?? THIS GIRL! (points to self) Actually... today we leave to take the dogs to my parents' house and spend the night. My dad is taking us to the airport at (gulp) 4:30am. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I need a vacation!
Guess who leaves today for Disney?? THIS GIRL! (points to self) Actually... today we leave to take the dogs to my parents' house and spend the night. My dad is taking us to the airport at (gulp) 4:30am. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I need a vacation!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Where I am in this journey
I have been asked where I am so far in this journey, so I thought I would dedicate a post to it. I want to let you know, though, that I am not an expert. I have learned a lot over this process, but not near as much as many people do in this topic. I will start from the beginning (the logical place to start, haha) and bring us up to right now. I will include details and links for you to check out if you would like to do some further research into the topic.
Ok, we started trying October 2007. Actually, we weren't trying to prevent as of then. If you do the math, that is 1 month after we were married, haha. However, we had been together for 6 years by then, and living together for 3, so we felt like it was ok. I was not on birth control ever, so I never had to worry about going off of it. I have always been regular, however I did miss a month once a year, strangely enough. I had no real reason to think that we would have problems, but have always felt that I would have problems. Infertility runs in my family, which I didn't really know at the time. Anyway... I was not doing anything to help us get pregnant, but we weren't trying to avoid either.
In August of 2008 I was feeling a lot of side effects and I was a week late, so I took a home pregnancy test and got a very faint positive. Unfortunately, I had probably already miscarried. It was what was called a chemical pregnancy. It was a painful time, as many babies were born at that time, including my niece to my brother and his girlfriend. What made it even harder was that the day I found out it was a miscarriage I was going to tell my husband that we were expecting. I bought something to tell him (which I will use in the future) and it is now stuffed away, where I will not come across it in daily life because it is difficult to look at right now. It was also the day that we celebrated 7 years together and less than a month before our 1st wedding anniversary.
A month after my miscarriage I started charting to try to determine the best time to get pregnant.
In December of 2009 I finally brought up to my doctor that I was having problems. She told me she wanted to see 3 months of complete charts and we would go from there. She told me she was determined to help me get pregnant.
In March 2009 I brought in 5 months of charts. I was diagnosed as having annovulatory cycles, which means that I don't ovulate on my own. In the 5 months of charting, I had ovulated only 1 time. And the time I ovluated before that ended in a miscarriage. We don't know how long before that it had been since I ovulated. I do notice a difference between months I do and months I don't, and so I had not really felt a difference in a few years leading up to my miscarriage. Some women who don't ovulate do still get a period, although it technically isn't a period, and this was the case for me. I just didn't get cramps and most of the other fun stuff to go along with it. I do get all of that fun stuff the months I do ovulate. My doctor ordered me to go through a bunch of different tests to try to determine why I don't ovulate.
In April 2009 I had bloodwork done on my cycle day 3 and cycle day 25. Cycle day 3 was to determine my FSH and LH levels and my estradiol level. Those tests came back normal, although estradiol was borderline, however right now my doctor is not concerned about it. Cycle day 25 was to test my progesterone level. This came back showing that I do not ovulate that month, which we expected. This month my husband also underwent a semen analysis. His tests came back normal.
In May 2009 I went through a procedure called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This was an EXTREMELY uncomfortable procedure. It is short, about a half hour at most, and I was awake for it, which is normal. I was not under any type of anesthesia or anything, which is also normal. Every woman who goes through this feels differently during and after this test. Unfortunately for me, it was very uncomfortable. OK, so here is what they did. They insert a catheter into the cervix. This catheter has a balloon on the end. The balloon is blown up inside the uterus and dye is pushed out into the uterus and into the fallopian tubes. Pressure is put into the tubes through the dye to determine if there is any blockage in the tubes. If there is, the tubes are usually cleared with the dye. All of this is seen through live xray. It was an extremely painful procedure. I was very close to being sick and my nurse would not let me get up until I was feeling better because she was concerned I would pass out (and so was I!!!). BUT the good news is that my tubes are clear and anatomically I should have no problem getting pregnant. My tubes are fine. There was some slight blockage in one of my tubes, but that was cleared by the dye. I can not tell you the emotion I went through to have this test done. I had fear, embarassment, sadness, frustration, and hope. I was frustrated that I had to go through this procedure, which my insurance may or may not cover (they did!), when other women just had to look at their husbands and get pregnant. I only had some slight discomfort after this test. Unfortunately, the test did screw up my cycle and caused it to start 10 days early, but that can happen after an HSG. When I finally do ovulate, this procedure will help me have increased fertility for about 6 months after. Fingers crossed!
So where am I now? In May 2009 I started my first round of a fertility medication called Clomid. I am on 100mg doses. I take it cycle days 5-9. I did ovulate round 1, but we didn't think it would work (because of the HSG throwing off my cycle!) so I didn't monitor and missed my ovulation date. I am about to start round 2 of Clomid at 100mg.
Where do I go from here? We are on this for up to 6 months. It could be less depending on what my doctor believes. I am actually planning on stopping treatments after September to give us time to save money for further treatments. We are hoping that my next job will have fertility treatment coverage because that will determine how far we plan on going in fertility treatments before we start the adoption process. As I said before, 1 round of IVF could be half the cost of adoption fees so as of right now we do not think we will do IVF. We are considring IUI, but we will have to save for it, which is why we are stopping in September.
If you have any more questions let me know! I am more than willing to discuss what I do know or research what I don't know. Like I said I am no expert, and I'm not very far in this process, and I hope I don't have to go much further, but I am learning a lot and I am willing to share what I learn and what I know. I am also willing to share how I feel in this process because this process really does consume you once you go through it. It becomes your life, your obsession. I think of my infertility every day of my life. It is a rollercoaster of a journey. I hold strong to Jeremiah 29:11, to others going through this process as well, and to my amazing husband, who is my rock during this time. He is not as affected as I am. He stays positive and that is fantastic to me.
Ok, we started trying October 2007. Actually, we weren't trying to prevent as of then. If you do the math, that is 1 month after we were married, haha. However, we had been together for 6 years by then, and living together for 3, so we felt like it was ok. I was not on birth control ever, so I never had to worry about going off of it. I have always been regular, however I did miss a month once a year, strangely enough. I had no real reason to think that we would have problems, but have always felt that I would have problems. Infertility runs in my family, which I didn't really know at the time. Anyway... I was not doing anything to help us get pregnant, but we weren't trying to avoid either.
In August of 2008 I was feeling a lot of side effects and I was a week late, so I took a home pregnancy test and got a very faint positive. Unfortunately, I had probably already miscarried. It was what was called a chemical pregnancy. It was a painful time, as many babies were born at that time, including my niece to my brother and his girlfriend. What made it even harder was that the day I found out it was a miscarriage I was going to tell my husband that we were expecting. I bought something to tell him (which I will use in the future) and it is now stuffed away, where I will not come across it in daily life because it is difficult to look at right now. It was also the day that we celebrated 7 years together and less than a month before our 1st wedding anniversary.
A month after my miscarriage I started charting to try to determine the best time to get pregnant.
In December of 2009 I finally brought up to my doctor that I was having problems. She told me she wanted to see 3 months of complete charts and we would go from there. She told me she was determined to help me get pregnant.
In March 2009 I brought in 5 months of charts. I was diagnosed as having annovulatory cycles, which means that I don't ovulate on my own. In the 5 months of charting, I had ovulated only 1 time. And the time I ovluated before that ended in a miscarriage. We don't know how long before that it had been since I ovulated. I do notice a difference between months I do and months I don't, and so I had not really felt a difference in a few years leading up to my miscarriage. Some women who don't ovulate do still get a period, although it technically isn't a period, and this was the case for me. I just didn't get cramps and most of the other fun stuff to go along with it. I do get all of that fun stuff the months I do ovulate. My doctor ordered me to go through a bunch of different tests to try to determine why I don't ovulate.
In April 2009 I had bloodwork done on my cycle day 3 and cycle day 25. Cycle day 3 was to determine my FSH and LH levels and my estradiol level. Those tests came back normal, although estradiol was borderline, however right now my doctor is not concerned about it. Cycle day 25 was to test my progesterone level. This came back showing that I do not ovulate that month, which we expected. This month my husband also underwent a semen analysis. His tests came back normal.
In May 2009 I went through a procedure called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This was an EXTREMELY uncomfortable procedure. It is short, about a half hour at most, and I was awake for it, which is normal. I was not under any type of anesthesia or anything, which is also normal. Every woman who goes through this feels differently during and after this test. Unfortunately for me, it was very uncomfortable. OK, so here is what they did. They insert a catheter into the cervix. This catheter has a balloon on the end. The balloon is blown up inside the uterus and dye is pushed out into the uterus and into the fallopian tubes. Pressure is put into the tubes through the dye to determine if there is any blockage in the tubes. If there is, the tubes are usually cleared with the dye. All of this is seen through live xray. It was an extremely painful procedure. I was very close to being sick and my nurse would not let me get up until I was feeling better because she was concerned I would pass out (and so was I!!!). BUT the good news is that my tubes are clear and anatomically I should have no problem getting pregnant. My tubes are fine. There was some slight blockage in one of my tubes, but that was cleared by the dye. I can not tell you the emotion I went through to have this test done. I had fear, embarassment, sadness, frustration, and hope. I was frustrated that I had to go through this procedure, which my insurance may or may not cover (they did!), when other women just had to look at their husbands and get pregnant. I only had some slight discomfort after this test. Unfortunately, the test did screw up my cycle and caused it to start 10 days early, but that can happen after an HSG. When I finally do ovulate, this procedure will help me have increased fertility for about 6 months after. Fingers crossed!
So where am I now? In May 2009 I started my first round of a fertility medication called Clomid. I am on 100mg doses. I take it cycle days 5-9. I did ovulate round 1, but we didn't think it would work (because of the HSG throwing off my cycle!) so I didn't monitor and missed my ovulation date. I am about to start round 2 of Clomid at 100mg.
Where do I go from here? We are on this for up to 6 months. It could be less depending on what my doctor believes. I am actually planning on stopping treatments after September to give us time to save money for further treatments. We are hoping that my next job will have fertility treatment coverage because that will determine how far we plan on going in fertility treatments before we start the adoption process. As I said before, 1 round of IVF could be half the cost of adoption fees so as of right now we do not think we will do IVF. We are considring IUI, but we will have to save for it, which is why we are stopping in September.
If you have any more questions let me know! I am more than willing to discuss what I do know or research what I don't know. Like I said I am no expert, and I'm not very far in this process, and I hope I don't have to go much further, but I am learning a lot and I am willing to share what I learn and what I know. I am also willing to share how I feel in this process because this process really does consume you once you go through it. It becomes your life, your obsession. I think of my infertility every day of my life. It is a rollercoaster of a journey. I hold strong to Jeremiah 29:11, to others going through this process as well, and to my amazing husband, who is my rock during this time. He is not as affected as I am. He stays positive and that is fantastic to me.
What not to say
Since it has been over a year and a half since we've been trying we've gotten a TON of comments about when we are going to have kids, what we need to do to have them, etc. I am going to cover this topic today because it is a VERY important topic. These are things that should never be said to anyone, let alone someone dealing with infertility! In most of these cases, the people knew we were dealing with infertility when we were told this. I feel if I cover this topic it will help people understand how much their well meaning comments actually do hurt. I will also suggest a few good things to say to someone dealing with infertility and miscarriage.
1. "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "When are you having kids?"
This question is a hard question to hear. In my honest opinion it is also an extremely rude question to ask. It is right up there with "when are you going to lose weight?". I know that those asking this question mean well, but it can be a VERY difficult question to take, especially when it is asked to someone who is going through infertility or suffering from a miscarriage (or both). Most of the time the asker does not know what the person is going through, which is why it is such a difficult question. How are we supposed to answer it? Sometimes I really do feel like asking a rude question back, but I'm not rude. I just force myself to smile and say something like "we are trying", or "when we want to" or if I want to be a little cunning I will say something like "9 months after I conceive". But inside my heart is ripping apart because I am wondering the same question myself.
2. "Just relax and it will happen."
Seriously, it is beyond relaxing at this point. My body does not work correctly. Relaxing will not help me get pregnant. It may help me to relax when I am going through the treatments because, let's face it, stress really is not a help at all, however at this point not relaxing is not why I haven't gotten pregnant. This response makes anyone dealing with infertility want to SCREAM. We have to suffer through countless uncomfortable tests (which I will explain in an upcoming post because I was asked what I've gone through so far) and heartbreak and embarrassment along the way. Relaxing at this point is MINOR.
3. This one is a doozy. I was told by someone who meant well that I was not getting pregnant because I was not being faithful to God.
How heartbreaking to hear this. This person was a family member to, and someone I did not expect to hear it from. It broke my heart to hear this and it makes me cry to this day. I had just finished telling the person about our infertility. I now feel like I can no longer tell this person about anything else. I do not believe that God punishes anyone this way. If so, then are the teens getting pregnant more faithful than me? Or are the prostitutes or druggies more faithful than me? I believe that we go through things to prepare us for something in the future and that I am chosen for this journey to prepare myself for something in the future. Perhaps it is so I appreciate the children I have even more than I would have if this would have been easy for me. I do not know, but I know that God would not punish me by making me infertile.
4. Told to me after I suffered my miscarriage: "At least you know you can get pregnant".
This does not help someone suffering the loss of their child. My miscarriage was very early. I had already miscarried before I found out I was even pregnant. It does not put my mind at easy. I still think "what if my body can not stay pregnant?" and "why did that baby die?".
5. "You can always adopt."
This is said as if adoption is an easy alternative. Adoption is not easy. There is a long process you have to go through, not to mention a lot of money. Also, choosing to adopt means that you first need to go through a grieving process knowing that you may never have your own biological child. It also implies that the adoption is a replacement for biological children. I don't see it as a replacement. I see it as an addition to your family. Often times this comment is also followed by "I know someone who has adopted and they got pregnant as soon as they started the process". Adoption is not a miracle for infertility. Those people were blessed, but that does not mean that it will happen for everyone.
6. "Now that I know about your infertility, you won't be able to surprise me with your pregnancy".
I refuse to allow this to be taken from me. I will be telling everyone in a special way when I am finally blessed with the miracle of pregnancy. I will not just be able to tell them because it is no longer a surprise. It will still be a surprise and it will be a happy moment and I will tell them in a fun way. I can not give this part up. It is important to me. I have dreamt about this from the time I was little and I can not wait to tell everyone in a special way.
What to say to someone who is going through infertility:
Just tell them you will be praying for them, or thinking of them. If you are closer with them, ask them how their procedures are going.
What to say to someone who went through a miscarriage:
Just say "I'm sorry" and/or "I will pray for you". There is nothing more you really can say to make someone feel better. You can let them know you are thinking of them by sending them a card or something.
Infertility and miscarriage is a difficult subject for people to talk about, even more difficult for those who are walking the path, and it just adds to the difficulty to hear the above comments, and others that I did not mention.
1. "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "When are you having kids?"
This question is a hard question to hear. In my honest opinion it is also an extremely rude question to ask. It is right up there with "when are you going to lose weight?". I know that those asking this question mean well, but it can be a VERY difficult question to take, especially when it is asked to someone who is going through infertility or suffering from a miscarriage (or both). Most of the time the asker does not know what the person is going through, which is why it is such a difficult question. How are we supposed to answer it? Sometimes I really do feel like asking a rude question back, but I'm not rude. I just force myself to smile and say something like "we are trying", or "when we want to" or if I want to be a little cunning I will say something like "9 months after I conceive". But inside my heart is ripping apart because I am wondering the same question myself.
2. "Just relax and it will happen."
Seriously, it is beyond relaxing at this point. My body does not work correctly. Relaxing will not help me get pregnant. It may help me to relax when I am going through the treatments because, let's face it, stress really is not a help at all, however at this point not relaxing is not why I haven't gotten pregnant. This response makes anyone dealing with infertility want to SCREAM. We have to suffer through countless uncomfortable tests (which I will explain in an upcoming post because I was asked what I've gone through so far) and heartbreak and embarrassment along the way. Relaxing at this point is MINOR.
3. This one is a doozy. I was told by someone who meant well that I was not getting pregnant because I was not being faithful to God.
How heartbreaking to hear this. This person was a family member to, and someone I did not expect to hear it from. It broke my heart to hear this and it makes me cry to this day. I had just finished telling the person about our infertility. I now feel like I can no longer tell this person about anything else. I do not believe that God punishes anyone this way. If so, then are the teens getting pregnant more faithful than me? Or are the prostitutes or druggies more faithful than me? I believe that we go through things to prepare us for something in the future and that I am chosen for this journey to prepare myself for something in the future. Perhaps it is so I appreciate the children I have even more than I would have if this would have been easy for me. I do not know, but I know that God would not punish me by making me infertile.
4. Told to me after I suffered my miscarriage: "At least you know you can get pregnant".
This does not help someone suffering the loss of their child. My miscarriage was very early. I had already miscarried before I found out I was even pregnant. It does not put my mind at easy. I still think "what if my body can not stay pregnant?" and "why did that baby die?".
5. "You can always adopt."
This is said as if adoption is an easy alternative. Adoption is not easy. There is a long process you have to go through, not to mention a lot of money. Also, choosing to adopt means that you first need to go through a grieving process knowing that you may never have your own biological child. It also implies that the adoption is a replacement for biological children. I don't see it as a replacement. I see it as an addition to your family. Often times this comment is also followed by "I know someone who has adopted and they got pregnant as soon as they started the process". Adoption is not a miracle for infertility. Those people were blessed, but that does not mean that it will happen for everyone.
6. "Now that I know about your infertility, you won't be able to surprise me with your pregnancy".
I refuse to allow this to be taken from me. I will be telling everyone in a special way when I am finally blessed with the miracle of pregnancy. I will not just be able to tell them because it is no longer a surprise. It will still be a surprise and it will be a happy moment and I will tell them in a fun way. I can not give this part up. It is important to me. I have dreamt about this from the time I was little and I can not wait to tell everyone in a special way.
What to say to someone who is going through infertility:
Just tell them you will be praying for them, or thinking of them. If you are closer with them, ask them how their procedures are going.
What to say to someone who went through a miscarriage:
Just say "I'm sorry" and/or "I will pray for you". There is nothing more you really can say to make someone feel better. You can let them know you are thinking of them by sending them a card or something.
Infertility and miscarriage is a difficult subject for people to talk about, even more difficult for those who are walking the path, and it just adds to the difficulty to hear the above comments, and others that I did not mention.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Jeremiah 29:11
Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future".
Here... I am going to say it now... I am struggling with infertility.
I haven't posted this yet because I wasn't sure if I should discuss this on this blog or not, but I am going to step out on a limb and do it. I am still at the beginning stages of my treatment, and I pray I don't have to get further than the beginning stages. I struggled with coming out of this closet because I wasn't sure if my early struggle would really count compared to others who have, sadly, been through many more treatments and medicated cycles than I have. I am afraid that, if I succeed with just oral medication, I would be looked down on for feeling the pain of infertility. But no matter where I am in this walk, I was diagnosed with infertility (right now it is unexplained) and I think it is important for me to talk about it. I have a wonderful online support group of girls who have helped me learn so much, and I know what to expect when I go for my appointments and I know that I know that I'm not alone in this walk.
Why do I think it is important? Because it is a topic that is not talked about. It is hushed because it is so personal and uncomfortable. Many people don't understand what it is, and how others feel when they are going through it and so no one says anything about it. It is one of those things that maybe if it isn't talked about, it doesn't really exist, but sadly it does. This topic has become more known throughout the years. Maybe because more people (yes people, not just women) are going through this, or maybe because it talked about more, or maybe it is a combination of both. My hope is that through this blog more people become aware of just how common it is.
In our case it is me, and not Jeff that is having this problem. He's been tested and is fine. I am the one who right now has unexplained infertility. Unfortunately, these issues run in my family, so I sort of expected to have problems. We have been trying for a year and a half. I had a very early miscarriage in August (and if you do the math you will understand why Mother's Day was one of the worst days for me... especially what month it fell in).
Unfortunately, another issue making this difficult is insurance. Our insurance will not cover infertility treatments, so everything we go through is paid 100% by us. That has been so heartbreaking. Especially when I see that our insurance covers abortion in full. Because of this, we are not sure how far in our infertility walk we are willing to go before we start the adoption process. Adoption is a consideration for us. I have already looked into it. I just need to get over the grief of not carrying my own child if I get to that point, however I don't see adoption as "replacing" the children I couldn't have. I see it as adding to our family. But I will get to that road when, and if I come to it.
IF... that is what the online community abbreviates infertility to, and it is so fitting. IF... if... if this next treatment works, if this next bill isn't too big, if I can never have children, if I have multiples, if she gets pregnant before me, if I am too old... there are so many if's in the world, and especially with infertility.
I have shed many, many tears over this and writing has helped me. I tried to start an infertility blog but wasn't quite ready for that. I think that combining it with this blog is going to help, because I know that this blog won't just be about that... it will be about my LIFE. I also plan on discussing more hot topics in the infertility world to help everyone understand what it is like to be thrown into this world, or a small part of the emotional rollercoaster this road really is.
But for now I hold tight to Jeremiah 29:11. That is my verse throughout this whole journey. That is my hope. I know that one day I will be a mother, I just don't know how it will happen, but I know that when that day comes I will be amazed at the miracle of life.
For now I ask for your prayers for myself and for all of the other women struggling with this heartbreak.
Here... I am going to say it now... I am struggling with infertility.
I haven't posted this yet because I wasn't sure if I should discuss this on this blog or not, but I am going to step out on a limb and do it. I am still at the beginning stages of my treatment, and I pray I don't have to get further than the beginning stages. I struggled with coming out of this closet because I wasn't sure if my early struggle would really count compared to others who have, sadly, been through many more treatments and medicated cycles than I have. I am afraid that, if I succeed with just oral medication, I would be looked down on for feeling the pain of infertility. But no matter where I am in this walk, I was diagnosed with infertility (right now it is unexplained) and I think it is important for me to talk about it. I have a wonderful online support group of girls who have helped me learn so much, and I know what to expect when I go for my appointments and I know that I know that I'm not alone in this walk.
Why do I think it is important? Because it is a topic that is not talked about. It is hushed because it is so personal and uncomfortable. Many people don't understand what it is, and how others feel when they are going through it and so no one says anything about it. It is one of those things that maybe if it isn't talked about, it doesn't really exist, but sadly it does. This topic has become more known throughout the years. Maybe because more people (yes people, not just women) are going through this, or maybe because it talked about more, or maybe it is a combination of both. My hope is that through this blog more people become aware of just how common it is.
In our case it is me, and not Jeff that is having this problem. He's been tested and is fine. I am the one who right now has unexplained infertility. Unfortunately, these issues run in my family, so I sort of expected to have problems. We have been trying for a year and a half. I had a very early miscarriage in August (and if you do the math you will understand why Mother's Day was one of the worst days for me... especially what month it fell in).
Unfortunately, another issue making this difficult is insurance. Our insurance will not cover infertility treatments, so everything we go through is paid 100% by us. That has been so heartbreaking. Especially when I see that our insurance covers abortion in full. Because of this, we are not sure how far in our infertility walk we are willing to go before we start the adoption process. Adoption is a consideration for us. I have already looked into it. I just need to get over the grief of not carrying my own child if I get to that point, however I don't see adoption as "replacing" the children I couldn't have. I see it as adding to our family. But I will get to that road when, and if I come to it.
IF... that is what the online community abbreviates infertility to, and it is so fitting. IF... if... if this next treatment works, if this next bill isn't too big, if I can never have children, if I have multiples, if she gets pregnant before me, if I am too old... there are so many if's in the world, and especially with infertility.
I have shed many, many tears over this and writing has helped me. I tried to start an infertility blog but wasn't quite ready for that. I think that combining it with this blog is going to help, because I know that this blog won't just be about that... it will be about my LIFE. I also plan on discussing more hot topics in the infertility world to help everyone understand what it is like to be thrown into this world, or a small part of the emotional rollercoaster this road really is.
But for now I hold tight to Jeremiah 29:11. That is my verse throughout this whole journey. That is my hope. I know that one day I will be a mother, I just don't know how it will happen, but I know that when that day comes I will be amazed at the miracle of life.
For now I ask for your prayers for myself and for all of the other women struggling with this heartbreak.
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